When Desire Doesn’t Match
Let’s be honest, few things feel more confusing than when one partner wants intimacy often, and the other doesn’t. If you’re here searching for ways to support a partner with low sexual desire, you’re probably feeling a mix of emotions — frustration, worry, maybe even self-doubt.
I’ve been there too. In my early twenties, I dated someone who seemed to have almost no interest in sex. At first, I thought it was me. Was I unattractive? Doing something wrong? Over time, I learned the truth — desire is way more complicated than just “being in the mood.” Stress, hormones, past experiences, health, even medications — they all play a role.
And the good news? You can support your partner, without guilt-tripping them, without making sex feel like a chore. In fact, learning how to navigate this together can actually make your relationship stronger.
So let’s break it down.
Table of Content
1. Start With Compassion, Not Pressure
One of the most important ways to support a partner with low sexual desire is to begin with compassion. Trust me, I’ve learned the hard way that pressure or guilt only makes things worse. Low desire isn’t always a personal rejection — it’s often tied to deeper reasons your partner may not even fully understand themselves.
According to the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health, low libido can be influenced by:
Stress and mental overload from work or daily responsibilities
Anxiety or depression that drains energy and motivation
Hormonal imbalances (like low testosterone in men or estrogen changes in women)
Past relationship conflicts or unresolved emotional wounds
Side effects from common medications, including antidepressants or birth control
Now, here’s the thing: your partner is probably already aware that something feels “off.” They don’t need to feel blamed or shamed for it.
Instead of asking, “Why don’t you want me?”, try gentle, supportive language like:
“I’ve noticed you’re not in the mood as often, and that’s totally okay. I just want to understand how you’re feeling.”
“I care about you, not just about sex. Do you want to talk about what’s been going on?”
“I’m here with you in this. We don’t have to figure it out overnight.”
That little shift from blame to understanding can be a game-changer in rebuilding intimacy. It opens the door for real conversation instead of defensiveness.
If you’d like to explore more practical strategies, I also recommend checking out how hormones affect female sexual desire — it’ll give you a better idea of the biological factors that may be playing a role.
2. Communicate About Intimacy Beyond Sex
Another powerful way to support a partner with low sexual desire is by redefining what intimacy actually means. A lot of couples get stuck thinking intimacy equals sex. But let’s be real — sex is only one piece of the puzzle.
Think about it. Real connection shows up in the little moments:
Snuggling on the couch while binge-watching your favorite show
Holding hands while walking to grab coffee
Whispering silly secrets or even your wildest shower thoughts at midnight
Cooking dinner together and sneaking kisses in between stirring the pot
These everyday gestures of affection can ease the pressure and build closeness that naturally rekindles desire.
I once worked with a couple who felt completely disconnected. They weren’t fighting, but they weren’t touching either. So, I suggested a simple nightly ritual: 10 minutes of no phones, no TV, no distractions. Just talking, cuddling, or even sitting in silence while holding hands. Within weeks, they reported feeling closer — and surprise, their sexual connection returned without forcing it.
If you’re unsure how to spark these conversations, start small. Ask your partner about their day, share something funny you saw online, or talk about something you’d both love to try together. And when you’re ready to take it deeper, check out my guide on how to explore fantasies with your partner. Sometimes, playful curiosity is all it takes to open the door to new levels of intimacy.
The point is, intimacy doesn’t have to start in the bedroom. In fact, building it outside often makes the bedroom feel exciting again.
3. Consider the Role of Health and Hormones
Sometimes, the most overlooked way to support a partner with low sexual desire is by looking at what’s happening inside their body. Desire isn’t just emotional, it’s biological too.
For women, hormonal changes can cause noticeable shifts in arousal.
Perimenopause and menopause often bring vaginal dryness, mood swings, and lower desire. The good news? There are natural approaches that can help, like these tips on how to maintain libido during perimenopause naturally.
Birth control pills or certain medications can also affect hormone balance and reduce libido.
For men, the main culprit is often low testosterone.
According to research published in the Journal of Men’s Health (PMC), low testosterone is strongly linked to diminished sexual desire and erectile quality, and treatment often improves these symptoms in men with hypogonadism.
Other factors like antidepressants, blood pressure medication, or even lifestyle habits (lack of sleep, poor diet, excessive alcohol) can also contribute.
Encouraging your partner to check in with a healthcare provider isn’t nagging — it’s an act of love. Sometimes, just a simple blood test or medication adjustment can bring clarity and solutions.
Remember, you’re not just supporting their sex drive, you’re supporting their overall well-being. And that’s what real partnership looks like.
4. Redefine Pleasure Together
Here’s something most couples forget: sex isn’t just penetration. In fact, when one partner has a lower libido, expanding your idea of pleasure can take the pressure off and keep your bond alive.
Some fun and intimate alternatives include:
Mutual massages — physical touch without expectations can ease tension and create closeness
Kissing marathons — yes, it sounds silly, but passionate kissing can reignite attraction in surprising ways
Exploring fantasies — sharing or role-playing can be exciting even without intercourse
Experimenting with toys — for women, clitoral suction toys are incredible confidence boosters since they focus on external pleasure. And for couples, waterproof vibrators for shower play can transform an everyday shower into something playful and intimate.
In my experience, once couples stop seeing sex as a “goal” and start viewing intimacy as an experience, everything shifts. The pressure lifts, laughter comes back, and desire often follows naturally.
Supporting a partner with low desire isn’t about “fixing” them. It’s about finding new ways to connect and enjoy pleasure together, whatever form that takes.
5. Work On Emotional Connection
Here’s a truth many couples overlook: one of the most powerful ways to support a partner with low sexual desire has nothing to do with sex itself — it’s about building emotional safety.
Think about it. Can you really relax into intimacy if you don’t feel heard, valued, or emotionally close? For most people, the answer is no. Emotional intimacy is the foundation that makes sexual vulnerability possible.
Some simple but powerful practices include:
Sharing gratitude daily — telling your partner one thing you appreciate about them each day builds warmth and closeness
Date nights without distractions — no kids, no phones, just the two of you making time to connect
Cooking together — sounds small, but working as a team in the kitchen fosters laughter and teamwork
Writing little notes or messages — even a quick “thinking of you” text can strengthen the connection
And if emotional disconnect feels like the real barrier, don’t be afraid to seek help. Couples therapy isn’t a last resort — it’s often a fresh start. In my experience, couples who worked on rebuilding trust and communication often saw sexual desire return naturally because the emotional foundation was stronger.
Bottom line: When your partner feels emotionally safe, desire has the freedom to show up again.
6. Explore Mind-Body Approaches
Another overlooked way to support a partner with low sexual desire is by addressing the role of the mind. Desire doesn’t just live in hormones or the body — it’s also shaped by stress, anxiety, and even overthinking.
If your partner’s head is full of to-do lists, worries about work, or body insecurities, desire has little room to breathe. That’s where mind-body practices come in.
Some options to explore together:
Mindfulness meditation — even 5–10 minutes a day can reduce stress and help partners stay present during intimacy instead of worrying about “performance”
Yoga — couples yoga or gentle stretching fosters connection while lowering stress
Breathing exercises — slow, deep breathing calms the nervous system and enhances relaxation
Simple kegel exercises — these strengthen pelvic floor muscles, improve blood flow, and can actually boost arousal in both men and women
I’ve seen couples who started practicing meditation together report not just better intimacy, but also more laughter, playfulness, and a sense of lightness in everyday life.
Supporting a partner’s desire isn’t just about the physical side. It’s about creating calm, presence, and a safe space for passion to return.
7. Bring In Expert Help When Needed
Sometimes, despite all your patience and creativity, you’ll hit a wall. And that’s completely normal. One of the smartest ways to support a partner with low sexual desire is knowing when to ask for professional guidance.
Experts like:
Certified sex therapists – trained to address mismatched libidos and sexual blocks
Relationship coaches can help improve communication and intimacy habits
Medical professionals can evaluate hormonal, psychological, or medication-related causes
The key is to frame it as a team effort, not a critique. For example:
“I think we both deserve a more fulfilling sex life, and I’d love if we could explore this together.”
“Would you be open to talking with a therapist with me? It might help us reconnect.”
I’ve seen couples who were hesitant at first, but after just a few sessions, they reported feeling closer, less pressure around sex, and even rediscovered mutual desire.
Remember, seeking help isn’t a sign of failure — it’s a sign you care enough to invest in your relationship.
8. Be Patient, But Also Honest
Supporting your partner doesn’t mean ignoring your own needs. One of the key ways to support a partner with low sexual desire is balancing patience with honest communication, so both partners feel heard and valued.
Here’s how to do it:
Express your feelings gently — “I miss feeling close to you physically, can we find a way to reconnect?”
Set realistic expectations — libido isn’t a switch that flips overnight; changes can take weeks or months
Celebrate small wins — a spontaneous hug, playful teasing, or a tender touch counts
Maintain your own self-care — pursuing your own hobbies, fitness, or social connections keeps your energy and confidence high
In my experience, couples who navigate this balance of patience and honesty not only survive low desire phases but often come out stronger. Desire tends to return naturally when both partners feel seen, respected, and safe.
Bottom line: You can support your partner without losing yourself. Compassion, patience, and honesty are your best tools.
Desire Isn’t Static
Here’s a truth that many couples don’t hear enough: sexual desire isn’t fixed. It ebbs and flows over time, influenced by stress, health, hormones, life changes, and even the ups and downs of your relationship. Just because your partner’s libido is low right now doesn’t mean it will always be that way.
One of the most important ways to support a partner with low sexual desire is to approach it as a journey rather than a problem to solve overnight. With compassion, creativity, and open communication, you can navigate these quiet seasons together — and often emerge stronger, more connected, and even more playful than before.
Remember, desire isn’t just about sex. It’s about connection — emotional, mental, and physical. You can nurture that connection in countless small ways:
Sharing laughter over coffee in the morning
Sending sweet or flirty messages during the day
Spending intentional, device-free time together in the evenings
Exploring gentle touch, massage, or even playful games to build closeness
Even when the bedroom feels quiet, connection can grow. And in my experience, couples who invest in connection often see desire return naturally, in its own time.
So, lean into patience, empathy, and curiosity. Desire may not be static, but love, attention, and intimacy are things you can build together every single day.
FAQs About Ways to Support A Partner With Low Sexual Desire
1. What are the best ways to support a partner with low sexual desire without making them feel guilty?
Focus on empathy and communication. Ask open-ended questions about how they’re feeling instead of pressuring them. Remember, intimacy isn’t only sex — small gestures of love count too.
2. Can hormones cause low sexual desire in women and men?
Yes. For women, perimenopause and hormone changes affect arousal. For men, low testosterone is a major factor. Understanding how hormones affect female sexual desire can help couples take the right steps together.
3. Are there natural ways to improve libido in a relationship?
Definitely, healthy lifestyle changes, mindfulness, stress reduction, and even playful tools like vibrators can make a big difference. You can also explore food, supplements, or exercises that support blood flow and energy.
4. How do I talk to my partner about their low desire without hurting them?
Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. For example, say “I miss feeling close to you” rather than “You never want sex.” That way, it feels like an invitation, not an accusation.
5. Should I see a therapist if my partner has low sexual desire?
Yes, especially if the issue is ongoing and affecting your relationship. A certified sex therapist can provide tools and perspectives you may not find on your own.
